I think I may have lost my husband. I swear he was home, he was literally just here. But I haven’t seen him in a couple of hours and in that time, I’ve:

• Broken up seven sibling fights
• Changed two nappies
• Cleaned up a spilled juice
• Folded three loads of laundry
• Made lunch
• Bandaged a scraped knee
• And somehow thrown my back out

I’ve checked inside and out, called his name with increasing panic/irritation/confusion… nothing. Silence.

Then it hits me. Ah. We’ve entered the 2 Hour Poo zone.

Apparently, this is a universal phenomenon. According to nearly every woman I’ve spoken to, men have discovered the ultimate parenting escape pod: the toilet. No one dares interrupt them. They disappear with their phones and re-emerge significantly later, “refreshed” and emotionally lighter, despite doing absolutely nothing for the past 120 minutes.

One friend told me that during her partner’s most recent 2 Hour Poo, his phone accidentally connected to the lounge room speaker…and the whole family was treated to live horse racing commentary while he “took care of business” in peace. He wasn’t even fazed.

And meanwhile, if I so much as shut the bathroom door for 30 seconds?

BAM.

A child materialises outside like a horror movie ghost.
“Muuuuum! Can I eat this thing I found on the floor?”
“Muuuuum! My brother is breathing at me!”
“Muuuuuuuuum! I’m bored. What are you doing in there?”

I’m in and out of there faster than a Formula 1 pit stop.

Somehow, men have perfected the art of toilet escapism. They’re stealthy, they’re focused, and they strike when the chaos is peaking. You’ll be frantically trying to dress three kids for swimming lessons, and your partner is nowhere to be found because he’s been in the bathroom scrolling memes and playing fantasy football for the last 47 minutes.

I mean, are you even a mum if you haven’t had to wee with a toddler on your lap? Or stopped mid-wipe to prevent one child from launching another off the couch?

Let’s be clear, we’re not jealous of the actual toilet part. No one’s yearning for extended loo time. We’re craving the uninterrupted time. The “I’m just going to take five” energy that somehow men feel completely entitled to and women feel guilty even thinking about.

And P.S. it’s actually terrible for your bowels to sit on the toilet for that long. You’re literally risking haemorrhoids for the sake of TikTok peace.
Men, please. Look after your health. Step outside. Breathe in some fresh air. Go stare at a tree or something. And stop treating the toilet like a spa retreat.

But also…

Maybe give the toilet a good clean while you’re in there and show us the secret entry code to your hideaway? Because I know a few mums who could really use a 2 Hour Poo of their own.